Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
