Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
