well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
