so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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