He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize