Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
