Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize