And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize