So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
