I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
