Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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