Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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