I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
