I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you made out with another girl for some wings
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
