dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
