I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
