I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Actions speak louder than pants.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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