Just cropdusted the office
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
