you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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