If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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