I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
