hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
