Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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