Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize