his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
