she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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