Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Operation Purity has been aborted
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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