Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
