In America we eat man semen.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
