...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
