yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
