Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
