Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im holly from the hills drunk
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
