giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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