We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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