Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
