I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
