you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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