I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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