ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
