can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
