Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize