Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
