I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
