Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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