this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it glows. i had to have it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
