Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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