I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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