The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
