You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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