My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
