she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
