No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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