I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
