Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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