The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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