MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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