I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
