She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
