Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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