Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
