she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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