God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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