Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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